You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Dignity is for republicans.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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