New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
