I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
