You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
