Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
