You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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