I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
