She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Come on in and take your pants off
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