I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
