She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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