If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
