Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
my poor anus
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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