I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
