I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
