R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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