One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
