Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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