Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
