i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
