wakey wakey hands off snakey
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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