Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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