What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We don't watch enough power rangers
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
