Where is the hickey?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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