remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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