I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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