He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
