Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
