its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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