im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
