You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
