Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
