I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
