remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
