Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
