Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
