highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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