Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
