I hate your face
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
