the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
