how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We need to get me chipped asap
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
