He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
