I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
