he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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