She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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