I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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