well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
