He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
