I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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