Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
