Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
