he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
